My Beautiful Struggle + story

decisions, priorities and temptations

right now i'm really enjoying my job. i haven't said that in a while, but it's true. i've even been placed on an account that has been quite messy, but thanks to a great team and account manager(s), i have only hated about 2 days of it. not bad out of 2+ months! it helps that i've been getting some positive feedback from the client i've been working with... you can try to act like it doesn't matter, but when you do something well and others acknowledge it, it really does mean something. it feeds the fire, even if it's just flickering at the moment.

some things are changing at the company and i think we'll see some huge improvements on the initiatives to create a better work/life balance. nothing is ever perfect and clearly there will be times to work more, but i do see change coming. so there have been several danglings of full-time carrots in front of me, which has led to a lot of soul searching.

the past few years have caused me to need to work more. but now we're on the brink of jj's graduation and a full time job, so it becomes a question less of needing and more of wanting. for a little while i haven't really thought about what i wanted career-wise, other than stable health insurance. i'll likely take my time getting back into work after #2 arrives simply because we can spend lots of quality time together as a family this summer before jj starts the teaching life. but come fall, then what?

prior to about 2 months ago, i figured i would resume working about 2 days a week - enough to supplement the income a little (perhaps enough for a Y membership?!) and get me out of the house. i know i'm not built for 24/7 mommy-at-home life. and now that i'm enjoying work, i'm prone to wonder if i could really enjoy working like i do on a regular basis.

however, working as a full time staffing associate has never been my aspiration. i've started to ask myself the bigger questions, like "where do i want to be in 5 years?". could i be happy doing what i'm doing now in 5 years? perhaps. is it what i feel called to? not necessarily.

i do have several things on my list that i'd love to get cooking. this year i will dive into the 30-and-over pool and i don't know if i want to spend that much time swimming in my current role. maybe it's time to take a few steps that would get a what-if rolling into a ball of could-be.

i feel almost caught in a limbo of safe vs wow. i could do what i'm doing and be safe. it'd be a nice income, it would be enjoyable, i could be good at it. then there's the other stuff... the dreams. they could be disasterous. i could find out i'm no good and that i don't know what i'm doing. it could pan out into nothingness, both in terms of "success" and income. and i wouldn't be one bit suprised. and honestly, there's nothing wrong with safe. if you know me, that's where i usually live. i'm happy with safe, comfortable. i know it well.

or it could be something wow. it could light a spark in me much brighter than what's been burning the past 3 years. it could fulfill me and put life and energy into parts of myself that i didn't know existed.

or it could even end up about as inspiring and exciting as working a 40-hour/week job that i'm good at. i could look back at it and say, "all that work, and i could've been just as happy doing what i started with." but i'm sure miley would chime right in with some crecendo about it always looking for another mountain.

i think there probably needs to be some reflection, along with discussion with my counterpart. we'll need to think of big pictures, family goals, and the greater good. it's just a lot to consider right now. i still have 3 loooong months of being pregnant left, so there's plenty of time to weigh the options. but it's something that can begin to feel kind of heavy if you let it weigh you down.

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decisions, priorities and temptations + story